I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
