I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
