Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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