I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
