Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
