ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
