the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
