so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Sober January is a disaster.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
