this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
