I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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