My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
