there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
