I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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