Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
