Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
