You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
