Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
