she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
