um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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