Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
