If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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