his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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