I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
