how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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