as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
