Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
