someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
