Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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