Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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