i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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