hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
