Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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