He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.