Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
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He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
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I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.