There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
