I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
