i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
