he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
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