I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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