You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
