He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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