ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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