Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
