Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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