I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
