I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
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I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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