Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I am one with the molecules
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
