sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
