Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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