I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
