just tell him i said nine months
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
