I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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