I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
