I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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