Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
