I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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