Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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