do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
