You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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