You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm having to shit out rocks
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