Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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